Crash & Burn
I’ve not written here for a while. This is mostly because I didn’t want to write about one thing that is going on. The other I have no problem talking about, but I didn’t want to write anything without saying everything. I’m ready for that now.
Let’s start with the one that’s easiest to talk about: On December 23, I got into my first car crash. I don’t have insurance, but I hit an insurance salesman! I didn’t check my blind spot while making a turn from the wrong lane; I was rather preoccupied with the threat of oncoming traffic. I immediately agreed to pay the damages and he didn’t notify any cops. Because my plates and license are still Nevadan, I lied and said that I had just moved here and Nevada didn’t require insurance. I need to call him today and get payment arrangements worked out for his truck. For one little dent, it’s almost $2000! Sina says he’s probably ripping me off. This may be so, but what can I do about it? I’ll pay the man. He did seem honest to me; I was crying like a baby about the crash and he and his wife were trying to tell me it was all going to be OK! At least nobody was hurt, right? My car, however, is a bit messed up. The tire was bent in, I lost the light and hub caps and my front driver’s side turn signal doesn’t work. Just to make the car drivable again, it was $725! I had to ask mom for money. She was so gracious in helping me, it made me ashamed at how I’ve seen her for these past few years. This woman taught me to read, write, count, add, subtract, multiply. She taught me to enjoy learning from an early age and I wouldn’t be who I am today without her… I’ve always known this, but I never really examined it. I think it’s time for me to reexamine many things about mom.
Now it’s for the thing that’s a little harder to talk about. (I’m not going to beat around the bush because it’s pointless to do so.) I’ve developed an eating disorder. I’m not exactly sure how to define it, but I starve constantly, drink tons of water, and when I do eat I usually make myself throw it up. The purging has only happened a handful of times, though. This has been going on for about two months now. I’ve gone from 220lbs to 185lbs. I’ve hit another weight plateau (I also did at 199 lbs) but I’m sure it’ll drop in due time. When I think about eating, I start crying. The pain in my stomach has become infrequent, so I can only really tell when I’m hungry when I start getting dizzy and my vision goes blurry. Sometimes, when I’m in the shower, my vision starts going white and I can’t breathe. I think that has something to do with the humid air in there, but I’m not sure how to stop it. I can’t leave the door open because the cold is too much to handle. I’m always cold. My hair is thinning. I can’t do anything with it without getting hair all over my hands. I can’t stop thinking about food and weight; it’s all I talk about these days. This may all sound really bad to you, but being lighter and smaller and having all your clothes be too big for you is a beautiful feeling. This is the only way to do it. I can’t stand these goddamn hypocrites all around us trying to lecture us that the best thing we can do is “eat healthy and exercise.” I tried that. It failed. It always fails. If I start eating, I can’t stop. The easiest way to stop eating unhealthily is to stop eating period! Nobody’s going to dissuade me, either. Not until I reach 105lbs; that’s where I want to be! I want to be able to wear cute clothes and have people notice me and I want to see my collar bones and be able to sit down without adjusting my clothing to hide my ugly body. I don’t want this body anymore. I’d cut all the fat off it if it weren’t for the bleeding to death that would follow. I’ll finally be beautiful.